I am ok

This last year has been so hard on me... emotionally, mentally and physically. Still have a few more weeks left to make it...and I think I will..I honestly know I am bless, I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am thankful every day for what all the Lord has done for me. I know no matter what my situation is, it could always be so much worse. So, here I am sitting at home, since the 30th of November, no pay, trying hard to get my short term disability started, and trying not to get down...I am not depressed, thank God. We have a little home that is warm, and we have food on the table, and my sweetie still has a job. It is easy to say that all is well in my home, and mean it, but from some one who loves to give to people, and to be around people and to make people laugh and feel special, hard for me to get motivated to do anything when I no longer hear the laughter in me, but know it is only silent for a little while. Joy in my home, yes there is....but sadness is there too...Happy for all who is able to celebrate with friends and loved ones and not have to worry about money, but just a little bit jealous, is that ok....? Will admit that I wish I was one who "has it all", but I do admit that I do....would be nice to pay my bills on time...but thankful I can pay a few....Feels like I am in my own little world...but am thankful my world has love and support. Sometimes I feel like I would sleep for about a month...and wake a to a new start. Mind just goes on and on...the things I think about is overwhelming....sleep in the recliner 95% of the time...can't just lay in the bed and try to go to sleep...mind just goes on and on. Will this feeling ever be normal again...and I know in 5 years, this month won't even matter, only how I treat people and how I stay true to God will...and thru it all...I am ok and know I will be fine...I have one on my side who really matters....and if I would just let it all go....he would help me more...breath Wanda May...this too shall pass....Thank you Lord for all your blessings on me.

I Just Love Fall Y'all

Hard for me to explain what Fall and Winter does for my soul....just gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling all over...! Love walking thru the woods with my honey...love Bon-fires....love flannel shirts...love the leaves on the ground...love the look of untouched snow...the list could go on for quite a while..But this time...more than others...I start feeling so thankful for so many things. Don't get me wrong..I always am bless...so thankful for the big and little things in my life. God is always such a good Pay Master. But it seems I am more aware of "other people's" blessings as well..So thankful that God can look and my heart and know how bless I feel because I am not one of those "prayer warriors" that can get down on my knees and ring them bells in Heaven, always wanted to, have tried and tried, but I feel my best when I just talk to him heart to heart...and sometimes I even have to say, Lord I cannot explain how I feel, how I am hurting, how thankful I am...so just please, Lord please just look in my heart...and you know what...this works for me...and for that I am thankful..
Love my church,
Love my family,
Love this way,
Love this weather, But
Most of all I love you God!!!

p.s. here comes that warm and fuzzy feeling

Sug comes to visit

Sug (Boyce's oldest sister) made a visit to the Gray house and a great time was had by all...After visiting for a bit...Boyce, Sug and I went to Bob Evans in BG and had a most wonderful breakfast. On to Abraham Lincoln's birthplace, a place none of us had ever us had ever been..and we enjoyed it lots. We stopped at a Pumpkin Place, but I knew where I would be getting my Pumpkins and that would be at Creekside, love that place. Ate at Cracker Barrel in Cave City and we were stuffed. We played Golf, a card game and Rook till midnight..and all of us laugh till we cried. Spent Sunday talking, eating and playing more cards. We are so thankful for the wonderful visit with Aunt Sug and hope to have quite a few more...But one lesson was taught by Sug...that 76 year old woman is hard to keep up with. Her and Boyce ran, and yes I said ran, up and down the 56 steps that led to President Lincoln's birthplace, she sat up till Midnight and is half way home to Eddyville, and I called to check on her and her comment was..."I feel great..."...love and admire that woman who has been thru so much...and I have yet to see anything get her down. We love you Sug....

Adventures in Addyson

Is there any feeling better than having a sweet baby girl to snuggle up tight against you and smile at you...the sweet feeling of having someone to trust you and sleep for hours content in your arms....aww sweet Addyson...yes u have my heart...and I can mention the wordy Baby in front of Sydny and she becomes animated...she loves u too....

New Adventures in Babysitting

Some of you might be surprise to know I am the Step-Mammaw of two boys, one almost 16 and the other almost 14....they live in CA...and yes we love them dearly...BUT....since I am the wife of the Dad who left the Mother of the son (because of her being pregnant with another man's child while he was stationed overseas while in the Marine Corp)...((I might add))..Spencer and I don't account for much with them or their father...neither does Boyce, my sweetie, because he is STILL married to me...love his heart...lol...so if you have understood what you have read...read on...lol. I have nieces and nephews who love me dearly and who I love them so..and now they have kids who meant the world to me...and have a very special place in my heart. I have kids at church who love me and I love them so much...so I am bless beyond measure...but still you know you have that hankering for your own...Some people don't want their child to care about me...still trying to deal with that one....and of course I am not rich...not fancy...and not popular...so...their child would not benefit from "loving" me, except for the love I have in my heart. Yeah, I take up for myself....and I become the Devil...but God knows my heart....anyways...
I am going to start babysitting one of my co-workers baby girl...she is 4 months and a doll baby....I love her dearly and when I ask Patty if she was nervous about leaving Princess with me...and she said no...that mean a lot....
So I am going to get my camera ready....my prayers continuing that I will be a special person in her life...and my hopes that I can start blogging my adventures with my sweet Addyson....

Hot

Have I told you lately how I hate the heat...yes big ole gal hates it....makes me sticky....makes me sweaty.....makes me stinky....and makes me MISERABLE..! I do not like the heat, Wanda May I say...the heat does not like me, it is one of my worse enemies. I become lethargic, untouchable and just plain whipped...Give me Fall or Winter any month of the year...I cannot go outside to sit...cannot go and sit under shade tree and listen to God's sweet creatures, cannot enjoy a cook out....a break out or a flip out...do not even want to go swimming...it is just too hot. Thought me getting my feelings out there would make me feel better...but then I think about what our weatherman said and I am hot again...Have I told you lately that I hate the heat!!!!

Summer carrying on's

Boy some of the test God can give you....and believe you me...I know he knows what he is doing....and I am not complaining...he never gives me more than I can handle. I sometimes just wish I knew where he was going with me...lol...
Some days I feel like I can not crawl out of bed...but I make it to work....and do my best to do what is in front of me. The customers and employees help me thru the day...and when I feel like, Lord I need you to carry me a minute...some one will come in and say something or just give me a smile...and I can try to go again. Some days, I feel like, Man I feel OK today and really have a good day. I even fixed supper two days last week...and did OK. Was able to go to church Sunday morning and to prayer meeting Sunday night. Monday and Tuesday, went back to how can I get thru this day...but as always, I know it could be worse..and I am thankful for my family and friends..and prayers. Just would be nice to be appreciated and wanted...not just put up with and dealt with....
I am going thru some "learning" periods for myself...I know how I need to handle some situations but I can't help sometimes the feelings I have...I understand people have to learn and grow for them selves....but I just don't understand how people can do people the way they do them, and think it is OK to act like that. I see how I have made mistakes in my life with some of the ways I have been with Spencer, and I see how some people seem to do things so right. For instance some of the Younger Moms I know and two come to mine..one with two girls and the Mother herself is such a wonderful young Christian woman...you can see the sweetness in her whole demeanor...and her girls are just stepping right in the foot steps she is leaving. Oh believe me...I know she makes and will make more mistakes...but how I wish that I was a better "Christian Mother"....I also know we do or act like we have been raised and hope fully change the some of the negative things to better....and I had the sweetest best Momma in the world...and she always did the best she could. I have another Christian Mother who has two of the sweetest boys, and one has special needs...and I know she has bad days...and I know she is not perfect either. But what she has done with the boys is amazing...always has time for family, always there to help someone out...always there to be a friend...and I know she feels that sometimes she could do better...but I think when her kids get older...she will look back with hardly any regrets.
Am I a bad person...no....but how I wish I had some of these younger women for role models for me when I was raising Spence....I see several young women I go to church with who uses prayer for everything....such role models...one left and joined another church...because that was what God wanted her to do....such a role model her life has been...hated when young whippersnappers can say something for me to grow with...Me...."But God is so good and real here...Her..."Wanda May...God is good everywhere"....well hello fuzzy...what was I thinking...
Did I love and do the best for my son...yes I did, maybe not always...but if I had known better...oh the things I might have done different.
Did I go to church all my adult life...no....did I always have prayer before I made decisions...no...did I always put God first...no...When God is not fore most important in your life...it will show. Am I am not talking about loving God with your mouth or do things like going to church for show...or saying something for show...I am talking about loving God the way he wants us to...treat people right...talk right...love right...been a friend...and just by putting out to people what God wants you too...
Now, I have these people as role models...so I have no excuses right....hard to teach a old dog new tricks...but I am learning and understanding more and more...I just need to hang around these special ladies 24/7..
Is it selfish of me to want someone to come in and take Spencer under their wing...and maybe help him where I have failed...Verdict still out on that one...he is such a good person..but dang if he is not stubborn...lol
Our 26th Anniversary is coming up on the 21st of July...really want to do something special...I think I did this last year...lol. Who knows what tomorrow brings? Just thankful I have the wonderful husband that I do...

Lessons learned

I love my husband dearly and there is no one who I rather hang around with...
I love my church and my church family...
The little ones at church mean so much to me...
I love being at home...
I appreciate all the blessings I have from God...
I appreciate the valleys he puts me thru...
I always want to be a help to anyone in need...
I really like who I am and what I stand for...
I will always have one true friend who loves me and is always there to hear my problems, my needs,and show me which way to go...
I am a wonderful person, no matter how people try to drag me down, make me feel confuse and not wanted...the Lord loves me and watches out for me...
I need to always stay grounded in my faith and not let things get me down...as long as God is pleased with me and sometimes he isn't and he loves me enough to chastise me, what else matters if I love people and I am good to them...and I try to live close to him every day...I know I am leaving foot steps in the sands of time....

Bucket List

Always thought they were the neatest thing...but for me to sit down and write a certain number of things I want to do before I DIE...is just a little overwhelming for me. But since this is my blog and my bucket list, I thought, "Hey I can do it whatever way I want"!!! H E L L O. To begin my bucket list...I have to think back to when I was younger...like way back you know...and all my hopes and dreams start there...

1. Marry my soul mate...
2. Be a Mother...
3. Go on a cruise...
4. Fly...
5. Go to Disney Land/World...
6. To be a true friend...
7. Go out West...
8. Visit Ireland...

As of right now, I have accomplished 1, 2, 4,(Helicopter for about 10 mins) and 6. I am getting ready for 3 and 4(airplane)...and as I grow older I am sure I will want to add more to my bucket list...and that is ok...because as a woman...I can do that!

Thoughts on Monday

1..I love Mondays...means I can see the girls at work...see my customers...and get the week started...

2..Do not understand why fellow bloggers wants people to read their blogs..and make it so inconvenient for them to do so..."Type in the letters you see here"...please type in your user name...please type in password...now you can comment...lol...just saying....

3..Still amazes me how I want everyone to love me and be my best friend...am I the only one out there that feels this way...or am I the only one who admits it...lol

4..Miss Momma and Dad now more than ever....and wants all my friends and family to know how much I love and appreciate them.

5..Loves to feel needed..

6..So enjoyed my supper of Chicken 'n Dumplings...mashed taters....green beans....black eyed peas and corn bread...and ICE cold milk.

Random Thoughts

I like reading other blogger's random thoughts...so I thought I would share a few

1..I think the snow is beautiful....do not understand why people complain about it...it is Winter and it is so pretty....just slow down, eat soup and snuggle.

2..Bothers me when people complain about not having school because of #1....I so appreciate our school authorities thinking enough of our kids not to have them on the road...yes you might have to go longer...but shorter summer VS bus wreck...let's see what wins.

3..Loves the fact that my husband is such a good cook...with my back problem...he has really started taking over a lot of my "duties"...and he fixed a mean meatloaf for supper..

4..Loves it when my customers give me a hug...

5..Loves it when the people I set by at church...who I so look up to...lean over and tell me how much they have missed me when I was not there.

6..Cannot believe I will be going on a cruise with some ladies from church in 50 days...

7..Loves it when some fellow bloggers who I love to read...tell me they love to read mine and that I can speak for them...you know who you are....

8..Loves it when I get down...I have people who love me...willing to pick me up...

9..Thankful every day for the life God has given me...

10..Just want to be the best friend that any one could ever ask for...

The good life

Since surgery last Thursday I have not felt like doing anything much. Boyce has been spoiling me rotten....I so appreciate him. Got my days and nights mixed up...don't go to bed until 3am or 5am...and sleep in the afternoon!!! Trying to get back on track...hard to do.
My diet went Kaplooy...but I really have not had much of an appetite..so much so that Boyce has really been worried about me..but have I lost weight...nope...nada...zippo...so the Good Lord must like me ok just as I am...so I am not fretting over it much any more...
Felt better today, even sat at the table with Boyce for breakfast...did I say how much I love him...he is the best.
Miss my church...if we have it tomorrow...I hope I feel like going....really miss my family church.
Getting ready for a Cruise in April with some of the sweetest people I know...all women...can you imagine the fun we will have....so excited.
Trying to just be a better me...not be so down when I feel like some one doesn't care much for me... ..I have some of the best friends in the world...and I am so thankful for what I have...so gonna talk to the Good Lord and ask him if he will help me not fret so much with the people that is not happy with me...and just always try to be more of what he wants...and then it all will fall in place. Just like a good friend told me....I can't worry about their life...I don't answer to them or for them...and the Lord knows my heart...
So...I am hoping to do something productive this coming week before I go back to surgery...maybe scrap book, try to sew...or make some hemp/bead jewelry...

Just Thinking

I has almost been a week since my surgery...and I have a lot of stuff on my mind. Emotional...hurting...and wondering...

1). Why do I want everyone to love me...?
2). Cannot understand why people can do something to you..say something to you...and you comment or say/do something in response...and it is "How dare you"
3). Needs to focus on my priories...
4). It is ok that when I Love...I love completely.
5). If someone treats you wrongly..and start acting like they never cared about you in the first place...step back and understand they did not care about you in the first place and it was/is a lesson well learn. Learn from it...
5)...Remember that Nobody and I mean nobody is just like me...I am one of God's chosen...he along with my choices that I have made...my reactions to happy times, sad times and burdens I have carried has made me what I am...
6). Wish I did not get my feelings hurt so easy.
7). Wish people could feel what I feel...and understand me more...
8). It is ok that everybody does not want to be my friend...it is ok....
9). I have the best family a person could ever have and God is in my life...why do I belly ache...
Enough Whining...not making me feel better....

Better or worse

Ok...as most of you know me...I am overweight...ok...obese....When I do something I do it right....and boy am I over weight...So...this year I have 3 things I am wanting to do....
1). Eat healthier .... OK...eat healthy.
A. Exercise....OK...move around more.
a. LOOSE WEIGHT
b. Feel better
2). Stay more organize...OK...get organize
A. Use Coupons.
a. SAVE MONEY
b. Not get behind in anything
3). Be a Better Person...
A. Do what is expected out of me from God
a. And if I do this last thing...it will take care of the other two.

I am on my first week of eating better...cut out almost all of my caffeine...and sweets...drinking lots of water, eating salads and lots of cereal. Trying to remember to take my water pills because all of this water...well you know...Really working hard on all three....wish me luck